It's not fair

I went for lunch with a friend so that I could tell her that I was pregnant.  I wanted to tell her in person because she too had trouble getting pregnant and we had shared the ups and downs (more downs than ups) together.  Anyways, I hadn't seen her for a number of months and I wasn't sure where things were at for her.  To make a long story short, we met for lunch and she told me that IVF wasn't going to work for her as her body doesn't respond to the treatments. She is a very rare case and has no other options for fertility treatments.  She and her husband badly wanted to get pregnant and they have been trying for many years.  She is incredibly sad, angry, and disappointed by this news.  It's so unfair that she can't have the baby that she so badly wants when there are many children born to women who didn't want to get pregnant and don't want to raise a child.  Life just seems really unfair sometimes.  I feel sad tonight.  

The Ultrasound

   (the head is on the left)

Sorry for the delay in posting about the ultrasound.  I've been sick with a bad cold and I was waiting to figure out how to post the photo (turns out that it wasn't nearly as hard to post it as I thought that it would be).

Anyways, we went for our first ultrasound on Monday.  I had gone to the appointment expecting to see how the baby was developing and to get a Nuchal Translucency test.  The NT test is a new way to screen for Down's and other chromosomal abnormalities using a measurement of fluid from behind the baby's neck.  To get a good ultrasound picture, one must drink an enormous amount of wather.  This is truly the worst part of the test - by the time that I got to Calgary, I had to pee SO bad!  However, there was no opportunity to relieve the pressure until after the ultrasound tech had pushed a wand all over my full bladder.  At least she got a good reading...

We were lucky to arrive early for our appointment as the clinic quickly became busy after we had arrived.  When my name was called, Scott and I headed into the back. The ultrasound tech quickly scolded Scott for coming with me (I had told him that he could come) and sent him back to the waiting room.  I lay on the table, she poured the goopy stuff all over my stomach, turned the screen away from me and began the test without saying anything.  When I asked her a question about the NT test, she informed me that they don't do NT tests on 33 year old women at that clinic and I would need to go to a different clinic.  I informed her that I had specifically scheduled the NT test for this appointment but she refused to budge. I became quite frustrated with her, partly because I found her to be fairly rude but also because I was now being told something different than I had been told when I booked the appointment (it turns out that there was a combination of errors on the part of my doctor and the clinic but I still feel frustrated that I was given the wrong informatin when I booked the appointment).  Anyways, she finished doing her measurements (or whatever it was that she was doing - she never did tell me) and she went to bring Scott into the room.  She did brighten slightly in mood when she described what we could see on the screen (she finally turned it so that I could see it).  The image sorta looks like a baby but it also kinda looks like a tadpole with arms and legs.  She showed us the heart (which is quite big in comparison to the rest of the baby's body) and told us that it was beating at 168 beats per minute (which she said was fine).  Our baby already seems to be advanced in its development as it was measuring 11 weeks 2 days when I thought that I was only 11 weeks 1 day!  Neither Scott nor I cried during the ultrasound as it wasn't as emotional as I was expecting it to be. However, seeing the image definitely made things seem more real for me and I have been much more excited about the pregnancy since seeing the image of the baby.  

As for the NT test, we have decided not to rebook it.  I would have had another 2 1/2 weeks to get the test done but we have decided that it wasn't something that we were going to go forward with.  This is a very personal decision but one that seems right for us.  The test isn't conclusive but does give a good indication of possible risks.  However, even if the test indicated that there was a possible issue, I don't think that I would terminate the pregnancy.  If I am unsure that I could terminate, I don't think that there is much point in getting the test done.  The odds of there being a problem with the pregnancy are very small and I'm just going to trust that everything will fine.  

"It's like getting excited about Christmas but in July"

I guess that I never really put awhole lot of thought into how other people would react to my pregnancy, including my own husband.  I assumed that he would be happy but I never realized how excited he would be.  The man can not keep the news to himself and is telling everybody under the sun!  I believe that I have already mentioned how he told two people on the first day that we had found out we were pregnant, long before we had even discussed what we were going to do about telling people!!! Now, he's told all our biking friends and everyone who was at a going-away party at the bar last night.  He told me that he sometimes tries not to think about it because it's so exciting but so long before he gets to meet the baby.    

He's pretty damn cute and his excitment makes me love him even more :)

Less and More

I am less tired than before and have quite a bit more energy.  

I am less hungry and am gaining weight at a slower rate.  

I look less like an old-style Coke bottle and more like a plastic Sprite bottle.  My waist is rapidly disappearing as it continues to get thicker every day.  I'm still not really "showing" per say but I feel like the difference in my shape is noticeable.  

I fit into less and less of my clothes but continue to remain thankful for the plethora of clothes that I have in various sizes (my only saving grace at this point!).

I am less worried about having a miscarriage and more excited about being pregnant.  

I am less skeptical that there is something growing inside me.  I've actually seen a picture of "it" on a screen but it's still hard to believe that there is a human in there... 

The first cold

This kinda feels like the first time that I was sick after I moved away from home.  I feel sorry for myself and want somebody to make me feel better.  Alas, I think that I have partly brought this on myself.  Scott did give me his cold which made me feel slightly under the weather for the past couple of days.  Then, I decided that I should get my flu shot over with and got the pregnant lady version of the shot yesterday afternoon.  Today, I feel like total crap!  I'm a bit of a sickness wimp and desperately want to take some cold medicine or something to help make this go away but I'm already sacrificing for this little being and don't want to poison it (or whatever happens when you take medicine when you are pregnant...).  

I have a bunch of things that I was to post, particularly about the ultrasound on Monday but I don't have enough energy to write about all of it.  Long stoPublish Postry short (but to be outlined in more detail later), everything looked fine.  Our little baby looks like a tadpole but with cuter arms and legs. I'll post a photo when I write the next blog entry.  

I never thought that I would say this...

I'm actually getting sick of eating.  While I'm slightly less hungry than I was a few weeks ago, I'm still hungry, alot!  I can't pack enough lunch food and I need to eat every 1-2 hours.  Growing a baby from scratch seems to be taxing on the body.  

Dreams

I've had lots of strange dreams since I got pregnant but I hadn't yet dreamt about the baby.  Well, I had my first baby dream last night.  It was quite an interesting dream - I was at my parents' old house in Ladysmith and was trying to figure out how to change the baby.  When I realized (in my dream) that I had a baby, I tried to remember giving birth to the baby.  Turns out that I had no memory of that (maybe my brain isn't ready to think about labour yet...) or of leaving the hospital. In the dream, the baby was both a boy and a girl (at different times in the dream) so I don't have any insight into which type of baby I am having.  I'm almost looking forward to having more weird dreams - they are endless fascinating to me.  

Weekly update

Things have been pretty good this week.  I'm much less tired and have only taken a couple of short naps.  I've even managed to stay awake past 9pm on most nights!  I'm even hoping to return to a regular exercise routine soon.  

I'm still feel a little pukey in the mornings but it's getting better.  I continue to be fairly hungry but less than before.  

I'm slowing gaining weight (about 8 pounds so far) and am rapidly running out of pants to wear. I'm hoping to go another few weeks before I need to buy maternity clothes.  

I've been taking my thyroid medication regularly and look forward to finding out if I am on the right dose.  My next doctor's appointment is on the 29th and I should know soon after that about how well the medication is working (Turns out that I have a touch of hypothryoidism.  It's probably just because I am pregnant and I normally wouldn't even require treatment but, because of the pregnancy,  I do.)

I've told a few other people this week, including my boss.  I still haven't told the rest of my co-workers and am waiting until I get past the 12 week mark.  My boss was great (as I expected) but I feel a bit bad for her because two of my friends/co-workers also just told her that they were pregnant so she will have three staff off on mat leave, all within one month of each other!

It's been fun to find out that I have two friends who are also expecting.  They are both on their second child but it is nice to be able to share this experience with them.  I had been hoping to join in with them during their first pregnancies but things just didn't work out that way.  Regardless, I'm happy to be pregnant at this time - maybe it was meant to happen at this time.  

Only 1 1/2  more weeks to go until I'm into the second trimester (but who's counting...).  Our ultrasound is on Monday and I'm looking forward to getting that over with.  I'm super curious to see what that experience is like and I'm keen to make sure that everything is ok with our little "prune" (this week's produce description in 'What to Expect When You Are Expecting'.)

Secrets

I've always been a fairly private person (one of my friends in high school used to call me secretive) but I have become more open as I have gotten older (hence my willingness to create this blog).  Still, I am much more comfortable listening to others share things about themselves than I am speaking about myself. When you become pregnant, there are lots of decisions to be made about who to tell and when to tell them.  (Scott told two people the first day that we found out, before we had even had a conversation about who/when we were going to tell!)  

We did end up sharing our news quite quickly with the people that we are closest to and we've slowly been letting others in on our secret.  I guess that I still feel protective of the information because recently I found out that a couple of people were speaking of our pregnancy to people who didn't yet know that we were having a baby.  It was quite a surprise to hear that our news was spreading to people that we hadn't yet intended to tell.  I can certainly appreciate that people are excited about this pregnancy but it feels a bit like sharing the news to some of our friends was taken away from me.  

I guess that I can take a few lessons from this experience - Be more careful about who I share information with, be more specific about what those people should do with the information that I have given them, and be more mindful of what I speak about when others share their secrets with me.  

The decision doesn't get any easier...

Alberta announced yesterday that midwives will now be covered as of April 1, 2009.  I'm not exactly sure what this will mean - will you have to sign up after April 1st or can your due date just be after April 1st? - but I still don't know what I want to do.  

I guess that I am a little afraid of what could go wrong if I do a home birth and I feel like I would have better options (particularly if I decide that I need something for pain) for medical interventions.  I've heard such great things about the doctor that I am interested in and we have two nurse-midwives who work in labour and delivery in Banff.  

I could use a midwife in the hospital which might be a nice compromise.  I am interested in a water birth but the doctor doesn't do them (hospital policy) but I don't know if I could do a hospital birth with a midwife and get a water birth.  I guess that I need to find out more information before I decide what to do...

Measurements

As part of my weight loss program, I had been keeping track of my weight and my measurements. I just looked back at the last time that I recorded my measurements - despite the fact that I only weigh about 1.5 pounds more than I did on that date, my waist and chest are each 3 inches bigger.  No wonder my pants and shirts don't fit!

It's a good thing that I have lots of clothes

Fortunetly (well, really it is kind of unfortunate), I have a lot of clothes.  This is partly because I love shopping and like dressing up.  This is also partly because I have been many sizes during my adult life.  Most recently, I had lost 20 pounds and had put away all the clothes that were too big. Well, I had to dig out some of those pants this morning because my other pants just aren't working any more.  Shirts aren't so bad (yet) although the ever-expanding size of my chest means that the shirts aren't quite as long as they used to be.  Anyways, I'm happy this morning because I don't look like I'm trying to hide my mini 'baby bump'.  

I know that my preoccupation with gaining weight and not fitting into my clothes may sound vain but this is a pretty big mindshift.  I've always been aware of my size and I've worked hard to lose weight because I don't like being heavier.  I am worried that I will gain tons of weight during this pregnancy and will have a hard time losing it.  I imagine that many other women feel this way so I know that it's probably not just me but I don't know how many women talk about it.  There has always been a lot of focus in our society on women and the size of their bodies and this has had a big impact on me over the years.  Now, there is a huge focus on pregnant celebrities and how much weight they gain and how quickly they lose it.  I wish that I didn't get so caught up in the media's portrayal women, but the reality is, I do.  

What a pregnant woman eats

Sometimes I'm not really convinced that I am pregnant.  It seems like such a weird concept and I often don't feel like I'm pregnant (somehow I thought that I would feel different than I do).  This is despite the fact that my waist is bigger and my pants don't button up, I'm super tired all the time (although much less so this week than the past few weeks), I wake up nauseous every morning, and I'm starving all the time.  

The starving thing is quite distracting.  I eat all the time and I start to feel hungry so quickly!  I'm almost immediately nauseous if I don't eat something and there are only certain things that I want to eat (I have all sorts of random food aversions these days).  It's almost impossible to pack a lunch or take things out for dinner because I never know what I'm going to feel like eating.  

I had kept a log yesterday of all the things that I ate but I left it at home this morning, along with my daytimer.  I hate the idea that I'm getting "baby brain" and am becoming forgetful so I refuse to acknowledge that I forgot my daytimer just because I am pregnant.  That being said, I have only forgotten my daytimer once in the past 2 1/2 years and I can't type the list from memory because I don't remember what I ate...

Anyways, it is currently 1pm and so far I have eaten:

• Glass of oj (to stop the morning 'want-to-vomit' feeling)
• 4 pieces of French Toast with butter (lots!) and maple syrup
• Banana
• 1/2 cup cottage cheese
• 2 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
• Hot Beef Sandwich
• 1/2 small piece chocolate mousse cake
  
• Spinach and Swiss Cheese Foccacia Bread

After I got home:

• Big bowl macaroni with cheese (whiz)
• Grilled mozza cheese and mustard sandwich
• 3 (small) pieces low-fat chocolate zucchini brownies
• 6 rice crackers with hummus

See, it's quite a bit of food.  I usually feel fairly full by the time that I go to bed but I often wake up in the middle, starving(!) and need to come downstairs for a quick snack or cup of juice. Tomorrow, it will probably start all over again, especially the cup of juice part (I'm going to try to get through this whole pregnancy with no morning sickness.  Here's hoping!

I never would have thought

I can't drink coffee anymore.  It tastes bitter and yucky :(  I had cut back to 1/2 decaf and 1/2 regular espresso for my morning Americano but even that isn't working for me anymore.  I've switched over to tea which seems to go down just fine (but probably has even more caffeine than the espresso I was drinking).  I've also given up alcohol, which is a given for pregnant women, but I'm more bothered by losing coffee than not being able to drink red wine.  

Things that I don't like

• Heartburn/indigestion (which I'm having right now which is what made me think of creating this post)
  
• Needing to sleep an extra few hours a day
• Waking up in the middle of the night to pee
• Not being able to go back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night
• Pants not fitting properly 

I guess that's it so far.  Maybe this pregnancy thing isn't really so bad after all...

Doctor or midwife?

Every since I was a young girl, I've always thought that I would use a midwife.  I didn't like the idea of medicine invading a normal process that women have been going through for many years and I thought that midwives would spend more time with the mom-to-be, both before, during, and after delivery.  I've now worked at a hospital for the past 2 1/2 years and I'm just not so sure if I think that having a doctor is such a bad idea.  Most of my friends have had complications with their deliveries and the worrier in me is somewhat nervous about having something go wrong with my delivery.  Plus, midwives aren't covered in Alberta and cost $3500 (which is a whole lot of money!).  That being said, part of me is still really drawn to getting a midwife.  I guess that I need to make a decision soon...

The first post

I've decided that it would probably be easier to create a blog than to send out daily/weekly updates to those of you who live far away but who care deeply about this strange thing growing inside of me (or for those who live close by and really want to know what's going on inside my head...).  

I'm 9 weeks today which means that I'm in my 10th week but have officially completed 9 weeks of pregnancy.  It's all very strange math that was created by some male doctor many years ago. My due date is May 12th which seems like a good time to have a baby.  I haven't missed too many days of riding this year and I hope to be back on my bike by June (I might be dreaming but I'm not letting that pretty new bike go to waste!).  Luckily, Scott and I have discovered an activity to do together and it seems pretty family-friendly, especially since we can take turns riding/parenting.  

I've felt ok so far with this pregnancy.  I never would have guessed that I was pregnant and basically only took a pregnancy test because we were going to a friend's wedding and I didn't want to get super drunk if I was pregnant.  I have been much more tired than I would have guessed (who knew that a girl could sleep so much?!) and I have felt slightly nauseous most days.  I haven't thrown up yet but I do feel hungry much of the time.  My pants don't do up anymore which stresses me out a little - it's weird to suddenly be gaining weight, especially after trying hard to lose weight over the past year.  I know that it is for a good cause but it's still kinda weird.