Close but not quite...

A friend said it best when she told me that "you aren't quite there after you have a baby". I didn't take offense to this comment because she said it right after I apologized for forgetting a dirty diaper and some other garbage in her camper last weekend. Everyone keeps commenting on how well we are doing with our baby and how natural we look as parents. I do feel blessed to be coping well with this big life change ( and to have a baby and a husband who allow me to cope well) but a number of things make me realize that I still have a ways to go before I'm back to my normal self (I say that, assuming that my brain will actually return to "normal" at some point). For example:

• I don't usually realize until sometime in the mid-afternoon that I haven't let Cara out yet to pee.
• I have done an excellent job at packing everything I need for Lily whenever I go out with her but I haven't remember to bring a coat or a hoodie for myself on any outings over the past two weeks.
• I made a lovely batch of raspberry oatmeal muffins last week but completely forgot to put sugar in them. Surprisingly, they still aren't half bad!
• While I did remember to pack dog food for Cara when we went camping these past two weekends, it certainly never occurred to me to feed her or give her any water during the day. This is despite the fact that it was almost 30 degrees when we were riding in Golden...

Not a newborn anymore?

I'm not actually sure when babies cross over from the "newborn" stage to the "infant" stage but Lily is no longer wearing her newborn baby clothes and she's moved into size one diapers. My little girl is growing up!

Lily's sleeping habits

Lily is such a random sleeper. On Tuesday night, she woke up every 1 1/2 hrs to feed. Last night, she slept for 6 hrs straight! WTF? That is the longest stretch of sleeping that she has ever had and I have to admit, I panicked a bit when I woke up at 3:30am and realized that she hadn't woken up yet to feed. I quickly checked that she was still breathing (ok, I kept checking her for 10 mins or so...) and went back to sleep until she woke up at 4:45am. It was quite nice to get such a long period of uninterrupted sleep, even if it did give me a bit of a scare.

On another note, I wish that someone would have told me that babies have such crazy sleeping styles. I'm not talking about the random nature of how long they sleep, I'm talking about what they do when they are sleeping. Lily does have some quiet periods of sleeping where she just lies there but about half of her sleeping time is spent moving her arms, kicking her legs, wiggling around, and making weird breathing noises. It's quite distracting, especially when I didn't even know that this is what babies did.

Lily's second camping trip

We did an impromptu camping trip this weekend in Kananaskis. The weather was pretty lousy but it was still fun to hang out with our friends. We did get two good days of riding in though at Moose Mountain and Scott got to have his first father's day experience with his fellow father friends.

Lily and her dad

Lily and her soother

Lily goes camping

We took Lily on her first camping trip when she was four weeks old. Things had gone pretty well on our trial run at the motel on the previous weekend and we have a five day camping trip planned for later this month so we figured that it would be good to try a shorter trip. Details of the trip are in an earlier blog post but here are the pics.

Hanging out in the tent after the first night of camping.

Lily loved looking at the light reflections through the tent walls.

Hanging out in the Chariot while I made breakfast

The modern Mom - feeding Lily in between rides

The "Shanty town". We ride with 4-5 other families and

this is the set-up that makes it possible

The baby bivy. I bought this for Lily to sleep and hang out

in when we are camping. It works great!

Snoozing with Daddy in the tent on the morning of day two

Taking down the campsite

Just cause...

More photos of Lily sleeping. In case you haven't noticed, I'm totally obsessed with how cute she looks when she's sleeping!

Lily's birth story

I know that I had previously blogged about our lack of a birth plan and how important it was to me to not have set ideas about labour and delivery, but I have to admit, I never would have expected that things turned out the way that they did (which I suppose is the point of not having set ideas about labour...). Whenever I have a quiet moment in my mind, my thoughts often turn to the story of Lily's birth. Right after she was born, I thought of the birth story constantly but these thoughts are starting to lessen with time. Lily's birth brings up so many thoughts, feelings and emotions for me. These include pride, surprise, horror, and fear.

I'm so proud and appreciative for the way that Scott was able to support me during labour. He was my rock and there was absolutely no way that I could have gone through that experience without him. He had one moment in which he allowed his emotions to show but when he saw how upset that was making me, he was quickly able to pull it back together and carry on. I know that I made the right choice when I chose him to be my husband and Lily's father and I love him more than ever.

I was surprised at the power of the contractions. Labour was by far the most painful experience that I have ever been through. The unknown nature of how things were going to proceed was terrifying. It was overwhelming and shocking, particularly because I thought that I was only experiencing early labour and I couldn't comprehend the idea that things were going to get worse. In hindsight, things didn't get worse because I experienced those thoughts during the hardest part of labour but that was unbeknowst to me at the time.

The horror and the fear are related to the fact that I was in the worst part of labour at our friends house. I know that people thought that we were crazy for going to Golden when I was five days overdue but truly, being in Golden when my water broke was the least of our concerns. I never would have imagined that I would labour at our friends' house (I guess that we didn't really think that part through when we did decide to go to Golden) and while I am so grateful for the support and understanding of Bex and Steve, I really do wish that we were at the hospital during that time. However, the doctor and nurses had told us that we had a long ways to go and despite the massive amount of pain that I was experiencing, it never really occurred to me to go to the hospital any sooner than we did, simply because I thought that I was overreacting and needed to work on calming down rather than realizing what was actually happening to me. I now realize that I was having pushing urges and it makes me quite upset to think that Lily could have been born at our friends house. I know that we weren't that close to having that happen but she was only born 45 minutes after we arrived at the hospital. As a mental health professional, I know that I shouldn't worry about things that didn't happen but sometimes I just can't help but let my thoughts go there. I suppose that the only helpful thing about contemplating this possibility is that I realize that we need to go to a hospital/birthing centre asap when I next go into labour (if we have another baby). I also now realize that I should trust my own judgements - at the time, I was worried that I was being a wimp and should be doing better at coping with "early" labour but I've come to understand that it's ok to ask for help at an earlier stage of labour regardless of whether or not people might think that you are being a pansy.

A number of people have complimented me for not using any pain meds while I was in labour. Truthfully, given how our labour situation unfolded, it never was an option for me. I was screaming (and I mean SCREAMING) for an epidural when we finally did get to the hospital but since it was time to push, there was no point in getting one. The nurse did suggest that I have some laughing gas but again, there was no time. Would I have taken pain meds if we had gone to the hospital sooner? I really don't have the answer for that. While I now know that I can make it through labour and delivery without pain meds, I'm not so sure that I wouldn't request an epidural next time and I would never ever judge anyone who chose to have one - labour is SO crazy painful and there is no shame in using pain medication to manage it.

Every woman has a different experience of giving birth. I'm totally fascinated by the stories that my friends have shared about their labour experiences and while I enjoy the craziness of Lily's birth story, it does give me a lot to think about. I feel like I've only just begun to process my experience and think that it will give me pause for thought for many years to come.

Signs, signs, everywhere the signs...

I keep reading all these books that tell me to watch for signs of the baby being hungry, tired or overstimulated. To be honest, I can barely figure out when she's hungry never mind overstimulated or tired. If she's yawning or rubbing her eyes, I figure that she's tired but other than that, it's really hard for me to tell. I know that rooting is a sign that she's hungry but this girl has a serious oral fixation and she roots all the time! As for the overstimulated part, other than crying, I wouldn't have a clue what overstimulation looks like. I thought that I would be better at figuring out what my baby wants but it's much harder to figure out than I thought.

Snippets of time

I'm quickly learning that getting anything done around the house when you have a newborn requires quick time management skills and the ability to multi-task. You learn to cook yourself some food while the baby is playing quietly in her bouncy chair and you learn to do a load of laundry while she's lying in the bassinet. You don't really get anything done that takes longer than a few minutes because at this point, that's often the only amount of "free time" she will allow before she starts crying or fussing.

Question of the day?

Why is the spit-up cloth (or any cloth for that matter...) nowhere near me or Lily when she spits up? Seriously, happens every time!

One month update

Lily went to the doctor yesterday for her 4 week check-up. She now weighs 8 lbs 5 oz and is 54 cms long (was 51 cms at birth) and has a head circumference of 37 cms (don't have a clue what it was before). She has gained a pound over the past two weeks and there are no more concerns about her ability to gain weight. The doctor checked her hips to make sure that the hip joints are ok and asked if Lily startles to noise (yes) and has started following things with her eyes (yes). Lily has come down with a nasty case of baby acne but there is nothing that can be done about it so we just have to wait until it passes. All in all, she's doing just great! The doctor encouraged me to work on getting Lily on a schedule and to start "teaching" Lily to fall asleep on her own (at this point, other than at night, Lily needs to be soothed to fall asleep). As much as I love my doctor's skills for labour and delivery, I don't really agree on her ideas about schedules and letting babies "cry it out". I think that Lily is too young to be on a schedule as she seems to change her routine on a daily basis and while I appreciate the value of not creating a child who needs certain things to be able to fall asleep, I don't think that it's time to worry about that just yet. On another note, we did introduce the soother this week (after waiting until the recommended one month mark). Lily doesn't take it all the time but it certainly has calmed her down on a few occasions when we have given it to her. She very much enjoys sucking and while she does suck on her hands sometimes, she just doesn't have the motor skills to be able to always get her hands into her mouth when she wants them. The soother does the trick and I'm happy that she is interested in taking it.

"Blissed out but bored"

That is how a friend described how I was feeling to another one of our co-workers and I thought that it was a great summary of the past month. I very much enjoy Lily but to be completely honest, I do find this first stage to be somewhat boring (I'm sure that I'll be biting my tongue when Lily is crawling/walking/getting into everything). My normal day looks something like this:

5am - Feed Lily and go back to sleep

7am - Feed Lily and convince her to go back to sleep because I'm tired and don't want to get up yet

9am - Get out of bed. Quickly make a coffee before Lily wakes up.

9:30am - 3pm - Feed Lily every 2 hrs or so and try to get her to fall asleep for a nap or two during the day (she won't fall asleep on her own and needs to be soothed to get to sleep). Play a few games with Lily (tummy time, hold the rattle). Quickly try to do various household tasks while she sleeps (dishes, sweep the floor, laundry)

3pm - Either go for a walk or take a nap with Lily.

5pm - Scott gets home. Give Lily to him so that I get a break from holding her. Make dinner.

5pm - 8pm - Finish whatever household task I didn't get to during the day. Continue to feed Lily, especially right at supper time as she always is hungry when my food is ready (regardless of what time supper might be ready).

8pm - 10pm - Take turns with Scott to soothe Lily during her "witching hour". Maybe go for a walk. Put her to bed between 9 and 10pm.

10pm - Go to bed

1am - Feed Lily

3am - Feed Lily

This seems to be our routine, day in and day out with some internet time thrown in while I'm feeding her (god bless the little laptop that sits on the side of the armchair where I feed Lily!). I guess that I had never really put much thought into what you do on a daily basis with a newborn. I now realize that I don't have many ideas on how to entertain her and/or "stimulate her development" as I had never envisioned what a day with a newborn actually looks like. I always feel like I should be doing more with her but I have to keep reminding myself that really, she just needs to eat and sleep at this point with some interaction thrown in for good measure. I'm looking forward to the stage where she becomes a bit more interactive (and hungry less often!)

Oh yes we (I) can!

A lot of people told us about how much our life was going to change after Lily was born. Scott was constantly being told that his life (as he knew it) was over and I've heard repeated horror stories about never getting out of the house or having any time to do anything that I used to enjoy doing. Well, he and I can both be quite stubborn and we took this comments almost as a challenge! This weekend (when Lily was four weeks old), we took her on her camping trip - two nights in Golden, in a tent - with our biking friends. I also managed to get back on my mountain bike and did one run at Kickinghorse Mountain Resort and four runs on Mt. 7. Granted, Lily is a decently well-behaved baby (ie she doesn't scream all day and sleeps pretty good at night) and I can totally appreciate that it wouldn't work for everyone to get out for a weekend camping trip when their baby is four weeks old but I feel pretty proud of Scott and I for making it work. It did take hours for us to get ready to leave on Friday (I think that we ended up leaving for Golden at 4pm...) and it was much more effort than usual to manage the camping trip but it wasn't horrible and it was totally worth the effort! We had a great time with our friends and I felt so happy to get back on my mountain bike. As much as I love my daughter, I do want to keep doing the things that I loved to do before I had a baby and I'm pretty darn pleased that our first attempt at said previous loves worked out. Moral of the story, life doesn't end when you have a baby - it's just harder to get out of the house at a reasonable time! Oh yeah, and driving anywhere takes way longer than it used to when you have to stop to feed your baby and/or soothe her because she is crying hysterically in her car seat...

Thanks for the advice but...

You get so much advice as a new parent. I'm not even going to go into all the things that people have told us and/or that I have read because I just don't have the time to blog about all of my thoughts on that. However, two things that I've heard keeps sticking in my head - "sleep when the baby sleeps" and "just let the housework pile up so that you can sleep when the baby sleeps". While these are really good suggestions, the housework one isn't all that practical. Now, I've certainly never kept all that clean of a house so it doesn't really bother me that my house is constantly messy but there is absolutely no way that I can leave the laundry for a day, just so that I can have a nap. People tell you that you do a lot of laundry when you have a baby but I really had no idea of how much laundry there was until Lily was born (and we aren't even using the cloth diapers yet!). She probably goes through 2-4 outfits per day because she either has a diaper blowout or a big spit up mess. She pees on the change table frequently and there always seems to be some other items that need to get washed. I truly do aim to have a daily nap but darn, it's hard to get anything done around the house if I don't use some of that time to do a few things.

Tummy Time!

Looking SO cute!

I used a rolled up towel today - it really seemed to help

Getting into position

Almost there...

And, it's up!  The head is up!

Oops, it's down.  The head is back down.

I guess that we'll work more on this tomorrow...

A good alternative to breastfeeding

Lily really enjoys eating/sucking on her hands.  She uses them to soothe herself when she's upset and when she's hungry.  Her hands don't keep her calm for very long but every minute helps!

Do you remember?

People always say that they can't remember what life was like before they had kids.  I know that I'm only three weeks into this new adventure but I can't say that I have forgotten anything about life pre-Lily.  Maybe that will change as time goes on but Scott and I are making a concerted effort to continue doing the things that we enjoy doing and we try to make sure that life still involves all the things that we loved pre-Lily.  We are really excited to show her the many wonderful things that exist in this world but we really want her to know that the things that Mom and Dad love are just as important as the things that she loves.  I think that it's great to be really focused on your child but I think that it's just as important to make time for yourself and your own hobbies.  At this point, that means lots of mountain biking for Mom and Dad with Lily along for the ride!

Lily cuteness - June 9th, 10th, and 11th

Lily holds a rattle

When Pat (Scott's mom) came to visit in January, she brought all sorts of items from Scott's childhood.  One of those items was this rattle.  We've been trying to get Lily to hold it for the past few days but she just grasped it for the first time on Tuesday (June 9th).  I don't think that she had any idea that she was holding the rattle but she did look cute with it. 

A tender moment

Like father, like daughter

Baby Shuttlebunny

When we were in Golden, I wasn't riding yet so Lily had to drive up with us when we were dropping Rich and Scott off at the trail.  I was a bit concerned about her in the car seat so I made a bunch of bolsters for her head.  I think that it helped but most importantly, she looked darn cute!

Baby burrito

Everytime I say "baby burrito", it makes me think of the "baby beluga" song by Raffi.  I'm trying to come up with words for a "baby burrito" version but I'm not nearly creative enough. Any one have any suggestions?

Lily's first weekend away

When Rich came to visit, he brought his bike in hopes of being able to do some riding.  However, the weather totally crapped out that weekend so we decided to go to Golden.  I still wasn't ready to ride (Lily is three weeks old at this point) but I was happy to tag along.  We have lots of planned weekends away this summer so it seemed like a good trial run.  However, instead of camping, we decided to ease into things and shared a motel with Rich.  Aside for a slight meltdown (on Lily's part when she was tired and on my part because I was tired), it went really well!

The modern dad...

Enjoys his baby, his beer, and his mountain biking 

(in no particular order...) 

It's amazing!

I'm constantly surprised at how much you can love someone whom you've only know for such a short period of time.  I deeply love Scott and my love for him as grown a hundred-fold since we've had Lily but that love took time to develop. The love for your own child happens so quickly that despite the fact that people tell you about it, it's still shocking when it happens.  

June 4th - Second day at Moose