Lily's birth story

I know that I had previously blogged about our lack of a birth plan and how important it was to me to not have set ideas about labour and delivery, but I have to admit, I never would have expected that things turned out the way that they did (which I suppose is the point of not having set ideas about labour...). Whenever I have a quiet moment in my mind, my thoughts often turn to the story of Lily's birth. Right after she was born, I thought of the birth story constantly but these thoughts are starting to lessen with time. Lily's birth brings up so many thoughts, feelings and emotions for me. These include pride, surprise, horror, and fear.

I'm so proud and appreciative for the way that Scott was able to support me during labour. He was my rock and there was absolutely no way that I could have gone through that experience without him. He had one moment in which he allowed his emotions to show but when he saw how upset that was making me, he was quickly able to pull it back together and carry on. I know that I made the right choice when I chose him to be my husband and Lily's father and I love him more than ever.

I was surprised at the power of the contractions. Labour was by far the most painful experience that I have ever been through. The unknown nature of how things were going to proceed was terrifying. It was overwhelming and shocking, particularly because I thought that I was only experiencing early labour and I couldn't comprehend the idea that things were going to get worse. In hindsight, things didn't get worse because I experienced those thoughts during the hardest part of labour but that was unbeknowst to me at the time.

The horror and the fear are related to the fact that I was in the worst part of labour at our friends house. I know that people thought that we were crazy for going to Golden when I was five days overdue but truly, being in Golden when my water broke was the least of our concerns. I never would have imagined that I would labour at our friends' house (I guess that we didn't really think that part through when we did decide to go to Golden) and while I am so grateful for the support and understanding of Bex and Steve, I really do wish that we were at the hospital during that time. However, the doctor and nurses had told us that we had a long ways to go and despite the massive amount of pain that I was experiencing, it never really occurred to me to go to the hospital any sooner than we did, simply because I thought that I was overreacting and needed to work on calming down rather than realizing what was actually happening to me. I now realize that I was having pushing urges and it makes me quite upset to think that Lily could have been born at our friends house. I know that we weren't that close to having that happen but she was only born 45 minutes after we arrived at the hospital. As a mental health professional, I know that I shouldn't worry about things that didn't happen but sometimes I just can't help but let my thoughts go there. I suppose that the only helpful thing about contemplating this possibility is that I realize that we need to go to a hospital/birthing centre asap when I next go into labour (if we have another baby). I also now realize that I should trust my own judgements - at the time, I was worried that I was being a wimp and should be doing better at coping with "early" labour but I've come to understand that it's ok to ask for help at an earlier stage of labour regardless of whether or not people might think that you are being a pansy.

A number of people have complimented me for not using any pain meds while I was in labour. Truthfully, given how our labour situation unfolded, it never was an option for me. I was screaming (and I mean SCREAMING) for an epidural when we finally did get to the hospital but since it was time to push, there was no point in getting one. The nurse did suggest that I have some laughing gas but again, there was no time. Would I have taken pain meds if we had gone to the hospital sooner? I really don't have the answer for that. While I now know that I can make it through labour and delivery without pain meds, I'm not so sure that I wouldn't request an epidural next time and I would never ever judge anyone who chose to have one - labour is SO crazy painful and there is no shame in using pain medication to manage it.

Every woman has a different experience of giving birth. I'm totally fascinated by the stories that my friends have shared about their labour experiences and while I enjoy the craziness of Lily's birth story, it does give me a lot to think about. I feel like I've only just begun to process my experience and think that it will give me pause for thought for many years to come.