Not defined by motherhood

There are so many things to process about motherhood and I'm slowly coming to terms with what it means for my life. I often feel quite overwhelmed by the idea of being a mother - I can usually deal with the day-to-day demands of caring for Lily but I'm still getting used to my new identity. I love having a daughter as she's completely fascinating to watch grow. It's certainly something to love a little person so much, especially when you barely know them. I love watching Scott be a dad - he's so in love with her and it makes me love him even more. I truly wouldn't trade her for anything! However, I don't like being a home all day with a baby as I find it pretty boring. I miss working and am looking forward to going back. I realize that this might change as she gets bigger and more interactive but I really enjoy being a social worker and I can't see giving that up. I think that my biggest fear is to lose myself to motherhood. I realize that some women fully embrace motherhood as they feel that it completes them as a person but I'm not sure that this is the case for me. I know that being a mother adds to who I am but I don't want it to totally define me. I know that I gain a great deal by having a daughter but the reality is, I also give up a great deal (especially at this point in Lily's life when I'm the primary caregiver for her and she dictates my day-to-day activities). I'm working on coming to terms with that idea as this is where I feel the constant push and pull of what it means to be a mother. I love being with Lily but I want to go back to work. I want to spend time away from her but sometimes feel anxious about leaving her. Even though I know that it's normal and healthy, I feel guilty about wanting to go back to work and wanting to spend time away from her. While I am grateful for the opportunities that are now available to me as a woman (versus times in the past when women were only able to stay home to parent their children), I sometimes feel like having too many choices just confuses things for us ladies. Many of us want to have it all but I wonder if that is actually realistic. I still want to bike and travel and go for drinks with my friends but how do I do that without imposing too much on my daughter's world? How do I juggle my career goals with the needs of my daughter? I know that motherhood requires lots of compromise and I'm trying to sort out what it is that I need to give up. While we are trying really hard to keep our life much as it was before Lily was born, things are different now (both in a good way and in a challenging way). I think that Scott is as good of a parent as I am and I have no need to put myself on a pedestal as the know-it-all mother. I'm happy to have him provide as much of Lily's day to day care as he wants to but I also realize that mothers are still often seen as the primary person of importance in their child's life. Lily adds an amazing dimension to my world but I'm just not quite sure what that world looks like.